What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
