Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize