Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
