It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
