We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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