The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
