so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize