when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
