When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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