went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
