Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
