she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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