Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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