In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize