Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
