Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
