I should be sponsored by Trojan
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I am midnight drunk by noon
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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