girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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