Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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