THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
