Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
