Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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