Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
