Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
