I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
