you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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