if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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