Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
