I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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