As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
