At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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