did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
