Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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