I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
