I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
