Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
