I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
