omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
