She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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