I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Bring me that man meat
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
