the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
