pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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