I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
