Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
