I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
