Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
