So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
