She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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