i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
