i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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