Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
