I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
