I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i came on her dog
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
