I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
