The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
