and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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