my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
