I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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