i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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