Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
