Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
