i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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