I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have surprise drugs for everyone
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
50% drunk capacity currently
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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