i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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