we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
