Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
