So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
