Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
