You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
