the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
