We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
