I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
