Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
