You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
